When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.