When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
You Might Also Like
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?