@TheCiscoKidder

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

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@pharmasean

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

@Fred_Delicious

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

@causticbob

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

@Mormonger

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

@kidnappedagain

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

@_Justin_Stepien

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

@Token_Geezer

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

@crunchenhanced

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

@Matt_The_1st

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN