When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
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PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same