When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
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I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there