when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)