When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Cats are still liquid.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
every. time.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
yeah no that’s fair
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor