When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
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Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote