When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
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Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Who’s ready for Friday?!
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.