*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
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Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
PLOT TWIST:
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Thursday Thought.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.