When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Who’s your best friend?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness