When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
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Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city