When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
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Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Cow it started Cow it’s going