When I snag the last meatball.
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On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken