When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
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Not all heroes wear capes….
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I feel this so hard
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.