Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again