When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

You Might Also Like


cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula


[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther


My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁


When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.


After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.


Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.


if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?


I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.


I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.