When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I think they could have phrased this better
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I鈥檒l sleep when I鈥檓 dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I鈥檓 still alive.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What鈥檚 up?
4yo: There鈥檚 a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you鈥檝e been acting it won鈥檛 stick around long.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[several months ago]
BEYONC脡: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONC脡: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
the things my dad sends my mom 馃槶馃槀
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
CONTRACTOR: it鈥檚 a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle鈥檚 ruined boys we鈥檙e moving!
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[before nap]
I鈥檒l be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it鈥檚 way too late to do anything
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.