@sarcasticmommy4

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

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@egg_dog

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

@SortaBad

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

@JamieGreenlees

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

@pplwtching

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

@KentWGraham

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

@GrowlyGrego

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

@dadmann_walking

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

@RickAaron

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

@IvoryGazelle

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.