Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind