When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
You Might Also Like
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.