When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
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so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body