“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
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[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
the red hot silly peppers
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!