When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Plumber: I think I found the problem
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Don’t talk down to me
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon