When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
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I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
😅😅😅
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Check your privilege
bears
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.