Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
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LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree