@CynicalTherapi1

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

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@ArielBen6

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

@TheAndrewNadeau

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

@Mr57percent

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

@sweetg35

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

@topaz_kell

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

@DadInUtah

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

@gengen874

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

@gobmentcheese

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

@OlanDevine

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

@ChicksRule

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree