When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
You Might Also Like
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.