When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Bros before Ohioes
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
me doing my best
I hate my earbuds.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.