When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You Might Also Like
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
britain’s three elite institutions
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?