When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good