@Manda_like_wine

When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

@squirrel74wkgn

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

@Matt_The_1st

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

@iwearaonesie

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

@Elifcello

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

@mrjohndarby

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

@weinerdog4life

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

@Suzietine_Kryze

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

@bonehugsnirony

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?