@Manda_like_wine
@JennyJohnsonHi5 All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5 
@squirrel74wkgn *kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
@Matt_The_1st Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
@iwearaonesie mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
@Elifcello My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
@mrjohndarby me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
@weinerdog4life Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
@deviledlegs The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
@Suzietine_Kryze Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
@bonehugsnirony Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?