When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
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My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.