All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
her dad: nice to meet you
me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?