When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
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🤣dope
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Simple
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
accurate
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
A friend sent me this.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*