When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
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Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
6: are snakes just neck?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault