When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
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My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
cry laughing at this shit
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”