Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea