When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
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Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.