When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
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My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Monday
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.