When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.