When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
You Might Also Like
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.