When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
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Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
oh she’s cooked
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.