when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
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Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.