When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.