When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
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I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
January has been Januweary
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.