Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.