When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
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MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.