“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
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I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Probably my best painting.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way