When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
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BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles