When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
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I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
this is the best day of my life
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.