“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
You Might Also Like
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.