@TheToddWilliams [sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
@behindyourback “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
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@TheToddWilliams 
@Cornjerker78 Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
@SCbchbum One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
@wotdluck A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
@UncleDuke1969 [office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
@GonzoVice You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
@16bitbulbasaur professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
@JasonNotEvil Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
@hello_saylor A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
@KyleMcDowell86 IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”