When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
checking out some reviews of my local library
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes