When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
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Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
early stone age tool
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Writing, She Murdered.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.