When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.