When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
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How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.