When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
what does he know…
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
That time Alicia messaged me
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.