Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

Erm I’m gonna say no

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?